** A foreword: I’ve intentionally kept the spoilers to a minimum although there maybe a few. For more in-depth coverage of the actual events in the move (a.k.a. the spoilers) see Magic John Stone’s review below!! **
….News Flash!!!
-This just in: Giant monster attacks New York City! Again…
-News Update: Statue of Liberty Destroyed! Again…
-Special Update: Buildings explode! People run around in terror and die in horrible ways!! Again…
-Breaking News: US Army arsenal is totally useless!!! Again…
-Live Coverage: Major Hollywood blockbuster over-hyped and under-delivered! Again…
Okay so by now I’m sure you get my point. Yes, despite the months of hype folks Cloverfield turns out to be simply another plain ole’ horror movie, using the same recycled and overused cliches of it’s predecessors.
So what’s different? That’s right you guessed it! NOTHING!!
Now some may argue it’s the films use of “handy-cam” style filming that sets it apart, and for a moment I would be tempted to agree, if not for another horror movie from years past that used the same style of filming, and in my mind more effectively. If memory serves it was called The Blair Witch Project.
So Cloverfield hasn’t really broken any new ground has it? Actually it has! I can confidently say it’s the 1st movie I’ve ever watched that gave me motion sickness! I also intend for it to be the last! DO NOT go and see this movie on a full stomach people!
On the plus side? the special effects are VERY GOOD! Unfortunately they can’t be properly appreciated due to the fucking camera flailing all over the goddamn place! I understand what the filmmakers were going for: they wanted they audience to feel 1st hand the kind of bedlam and confusion a large monster attacking New York would produce. The problem however, and I don’t know if the filmmakers ever considered this, is that THERE IS A FUCKING AUDIENCE!!! This means in order for people to become immersed and involved we have to actually be able to see what the fuck is going on and not busy concentrating on holding down our fucking lunch!
Okay so onto the subject of the monster! How does it look? What does it do? Does it like to single out random people who happen to have indestructible and extraordinarily power conservative camcorders and stalk them around the city? Why yes. Yes it does.
The creature does indeed live up to the promised hype of something unique and never before seen on screen or stage and the quick glimpses we get of it are indeed terrifying. I’m not quite sure how to accurately describe it other than it’s big, knocks buildings over, roars a lot, and for whatever reason is severely pissed.
Or is it? According to the film’s Wiki article the creature’s behavior is actually intended to be modeled around that of a baby elephant that can’t find it’s mother at the circus. Yeah, Whatever the fuck.
Where the movie really fails in my opinion is the attempt at a story and inclusion of classic movie archetypes. Here we have our hero, who sets out on a journey full of peril against an evil foe and insurmountable odds to save the woman he loves. He is accompanied by his wacky best-friend who of course himself is in love with a woman who barely knows he exists but if only she could get to know the real him then maybe…blah fucking blah! We get about 10 minutes too much of this shit in the beginning, to the point I began to wonder if I had mistakingly bought a ticket to watch an episode of the Real World? I’m reasonably certain that anyone who does find the tape later will fast forward through all that bullshit anyway and get right to the carnage. The filmmakers should have as well.
And therein lies the core problem with the film. It contradicts itself by using the handy-cam gimmick to make us feel it’s authentic, while at the same time loading on piles and piles of typical Hollywood cliches! The result is, as you watch more and more, you almost begin to feel cheated.
Now let’s talk about this camcorder for a moment! It picks and chooses when it wants to time stamp video. It NEVER runs out of battery, despite using the built-in light and night vision for large stretches of time. It appears to be virtually indestructible, despite suffering several falls, an attack by giant spider fucking things, constant shaking and jostling, a helicopter crash, several large bricks falling directly on it, and apparently the mother of all bombs itself! But yeah, whatever the fuck.
So my offical recommendation would be to see it yes, but wait for DVD or cable. You’ll want to make sure before pressing play, however, you have clear line of sight to the bathroom.
Rating: 6/10
