Shouting Grounds

Magic John Stone back with your stupid ass for another Oscar LiveBlog. Even though no one will be F5′n this mother fucker during the show, I’ll be posting up like the Mailman every few minutes to let you know how lame the Academy is this year.

7p central, Oscar Fashion Handjob Pregame (blueballs mix)
- Just like last year, forgot that hollywood thinks we tune into the Oscars to find out who these overpaid screws gave too much money to for their dresses and suits…what a joke. Maybe seek out the stars to ask them interesting questions instead of cupping their genitals like total fuckups.
- Diane Lane…num num.
- Amy Adams is pretty hot, short but hot…like a little hot pocket. Tuna Croissant Pocket.
- Sarah Jessica Parker is still a Gremlin, Matthew Broderick is still a retard.
- Now this cheese dick is interviewing Valentino? WHO FUCKING CARES?! Movies, assface!
- Good to see Danny Boyle brought half of India to the show…wonder why no one cares what they’re wearing?
- Mickey Rourke is the ugliest Pimp in Hollywood. It’s gotta be hard out there for a Pimp.
- Vanessa Hudgens looks different with clothes on.
- Robert Downey Jr is cool.
- Viola Davis, from Doubt, is up for Best Supporting Actress…I think she was in the movie for like 4 1/2 minutes. And yeah, I saw that shit.
- How old is Miley Cyrus again?
- Anne Hathaway…num num.
- The douches with the winning envelopes have plastic smiles.
- Meryl Streep’s daughter is bangin’! But there’s always the fear she’ll age like mom.
- 16. Miley Cyrus is 16…
- Jack Black knows how it is…he’s dug in at the bar. And he made the interviewer look like the tool he is.
- Marisa Tomei…num num. Yes please.
- Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow are dug in with Jack Black at the boozer. Smart peoples.
- Segment about the thinking behind the production of the Oscars…slightly interesting.

End of Pregame, I’m unsatisfied.

- Huge Assman is hosting…this should be interesting. Wonder if he’s the first guy from the Criminal Continent to host?
- Kate Winslet is a serious MILF
- Huge Assman is playing it like SNL…pretty smart.
- Shit…he can really dance too. That makes me nervous.
- Nice, he wonders too why The Dark Knight’s not up for best Movie.
- LOL…overall one of the better intro Montage/Performances I can remember. I think it’s partly because Huge actually thought it was funny too.

- Angelina Jolie, good god. They should clone her or something.
- Ew…Tilda Swinton creeps me out.
- Guinan! Red light y’all! I’m sure Whoopi will find some reason to slow down and complicate the Oscars.
- I think Huge should give Anjelica Huston the old Croc Dundee Dick-Check…she’s looking like she picked up a Y-chromo or two somewhere.
- Goldie Hawn’s 1 drink away from dreamland, and 1/2 inch away from showing her complete pec’s to the Academy.

**AWARD**
Best Supporting Actress – Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

- Penelope Cruz? Really? I think that was Marisa Tomei’s award…or the woman from Ben Button. Once again the Academy shows its tendency to give awards away to foreign movies. Just a little conspiracy theory of mine.
- Great…Steve Martin. Maybe as soon as his mouth opens someone will shoot him.
- Shit…that didn’t happen.
- Tina Fey is hot, but I gotta say there’s something not right about her hair.
- I haven’t heard of any of these fucking movies for Best Original Screenplay.
- Oh wait, In Bruge! Shit yeah! Now Milk, here we go…what were those first two movies?
- Now WALL-E? Really?

**AWARD**
Best Original Screenplay – Dustin Lance Black for Milk

- Milk was a good movie, I can accept this award.
- Fuck, this guy is young.
- Have a feeling Slumdog’s gonna win Best Adapted Screenplay.

**AWARD**
Best Adapted Screenplay – Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire

- Good award, fantastic movie. I think this guy’s wearing a Pleather Tux. Probably pretty warm.
- I think Jennifer Aniston’s about to lose her shit being this close to Angelina Jolie.
- The Animation 2008 montage wasn’t too inspiring…

**AWARD**
Best Animated Feature Film – WALL-E

- WHOOP-E
- Philip Seymor Hoffman’s wearing a seaman’s watchcap and holding a bible or something.

**AWARD**
Best Animated Short Film – La Maison en Petits Cubes

- PURE EXCITEMENT.

- Sarah Jessica Parker’s got some grapefruit tits.
- Daniel Craig is a man’s man. He should do us all a favor and choke the Gremlin to death.

**AWARD**
Art Direction – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

- Yeah yeah yeah. So it was good…but you know I wanted TDK to win.

**AWARD**
Costume Design – The Duchess

- A Dude just won an Oscar for designing ridiculous women’s dresses. An Irishman to boot… What’s the world coming to?
- So far, this show is like Mountain Dew that you can watch. Xtreme!
- That was a joke…

**AWARD**
Makeup Artist – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

- TDK’s now 0 for 2 on the night. Just so you know.
- You know how they have that pre-award show for technical acheivements? How about boxing all of these stupid ass costume/makeup/set awards into that and shorten this goddamn show?
- How the fuck does the sleepy cuntrag vampire-pussy from Twilight end up on the Oscars? And presenting the “Romance 2008″ montage. Pheph!

- Natalie Portman…nummie num num.
- Cinematography, Slumdog or Button?

**AWARD**
Cinematography – Anthony Dod Mandle for Slumdog Millionaire

- 0 for 3.
- Slumdog’s gonna sweep up.
- Guess I’ve never seen Danny Boyle, he looks like a functioning retard.
- Ohmigod, Jessica Biel. NUM.
- Awesome, a Pineapple Express short film! w00t!

**AWARD**
Best Live Action Short – Spiiegle’sland or something

- This guy’s a nat-zi.
- I want to bone Meryl Streep’s daughter.
- Wanna take a moment to throw a shout-out to my boy Redscape watching the Oscars from the West Suburbs…
- Assman’s doing the big Broadway again. Damn…Beyonce…Damn…
- Huge Assway. Broad Assman. Think about it.
- The ‘Musicals’ performance, pretty good. Some classic showbiz right there.
- Here’s Best Supporting Actor…Heath Ledger HAS TO FUCKING WIN THIS.
- This has to be the closest Cuba Gooding’s been to the Academy since Rod Tidwell. What a shame.
- Ironic he’s complaining about RDJ in Tropic Thunder, stealing the black man’s role. Cuba’s been too busy making diarrhea to get a good role.

**AWARD**
Best Supporting Actor – Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight…FUCK YEAH

- He deserves it…
- I wish he was around to receive it. I’d really like to have seen him get the recognition.
- Follow that up with a Documentary montage? Really? y4wn.

**AWARD**
Best Documentary – Man on Wire

- zzzzz…maybe it’s a spoof of Man on Fire? Maybe it’s about a guy that is hopelessly obsessed with the Wire? Maybe not.

**AWARD**
Best Documentary Short Subj…ah fuck it.

- PFFT!
- Action 2008 montage. Now we’re talkin’…jack it up! Xtreme.

**AWARD**
Outstanding Visual Effects – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

- I suppose that makes sense, Iron Man and TDK, while fantastic in the VFX dept, were slightly more pedestrian than all the Ben Button shit.

**AWARD**
Outstanding Sound Editing – The Dark Knight

- Well, at least they got two.
- SNORE, how’s that for sound editing?

**AWARD**
Sound Mixing – Slumdog Millionaire

- How can two different movies with Sound Editing and Sound Mixing? Let’s face it, assholes, it’s the same fucking thing. (no matter what JT says)

**AWARD**
Film Editing – Slumdog Millionaire

- Will Smith’s apparently paying his dues for wasting his load on shitty blockbusters by presenting the mid-show F/X awards.
- Redscape thinks this Slumdog Film editor is fucking Moby. I don’t wanna know how he’d know that.

**AWARD**
Gene Hershaw Humanitarian Award – Jerry Lewis (presented by Eddie Murphy)

- Who is Eddie Murphy? He looks familiar but I can’t place him…

**AWARD**
Best Original Score – A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire

- Do they get a discount on statue plaques if they’re all the same, say Slumdog?
- The Best Original Song performance was good.

**AWARD**
Best Original Song – A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire, “Jai Ho”

- Really? Hopefully Slumdog sweeping the Oscars will just inspire people in general, not open the door for shitty Bollywood movies to head West.
- It’s 10p central, this show should be wrapping up right now…but you know we have another hour left, right? Ridiculous.

**AWARD**
Best Foreign Language Film – Don’t Bother from Magic John Stone

- I think that Liam just read the nominees for a different award…none of what he said matched the screen, nor did the winner…that’s just bad as balls.
- Oh god. Queen Latifah. Queen of what I ask you? Queen of horrible comedies? We need to find the Queen’s Castle and sack the shit out of it. Then guillotine her shit.

In Memoriam montage…notables:
- Bernie Mac
- Michael Crichton
- Roy Scheider
- Isaac Hayes
- Ricardo Montalban
- Stan Winston
- James Whitmore (Brooks)
- Charlton Heston
- Sydney Pollack
- Paul “Fucking” Newman (bytheway)

- Heath Ledger died on January 22nd last year, guess he was in last year’s montage…I was waiting to see him up there.
- I want to punish Reese Witherspoon. Wrecking Crew style.

**AWARD**
Best Director – Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire

- Surprised? Me neither. He deserves it…good director.
- His head is enormous.
- Nicole Kidman looks like she just blew the band, Sophia Loren looks like a nightmare

**AWARD**
Best Actress – Kate Winslet for The Reader

- She did a great job in that movie, justifiable
- Kate Winslet should have to accept the trophy naked, and her dad looks like Hannibal Lecter back there…
- And she’s genuinely happy, no notes or political murmurs or other bullshit.
- I haven’t seen Jack all night…where’s he at?
- They got quite a crew of dudes up there…for some reason I’d like Ben Kingsley to punch Adrian Brody in the schnozi-ola-ola
- I think Sean Penn’s the man for best Actor, but I’d like to see Mickey Rourke or Brad Pitt win too

**AWARD**
Best Actor – Sean Penn for Milk

- Well, there you go. Good chips.
- Penn’s surprisingly humble, that’s cool. He’s had some great roles.
- STEVE! Where you been Steve?
- The Best Picture montage is bad ass.
- It’s gonna be Slumdog Millionaire…

**AWARD**
Best Picture – Slumdog Millionaire

- It was certainly in the cards. Milk and Button could easily have won in different years…
- I didn’t get to see Nixon, but Slumdog was the Best Picture of the lot that I saw.

done…I’m going to bed.

Okay, normally these fan made jobs come out looking like flame broiled asshole but this is actually pretty fuckin good. According to the creators…

Originally envisioned as a project to test out numerous post production techniques, as well as a spec commercial, it ballooned into a multi-part series. Filmed guerilla style with no money, no time, no crew, no script, the first two episodes were made from beginning to end on a budget of $500.

I suppose a live action Half-Life film, if done right, could be a good thing. I’m nominating Guy Pearce as Gordon Freeman.

Toss some specs on him, trim that hair up, and put him in one of those EV suits and he’s a dead fuckin ringer!

Amirite?

So…Was I expecting more? I guess I was. After all, two awesome fucking games worth of story built the legend of Max Payne…how hard should it be to take just some of that and slap it on the big screen? Apparently too hard. While there were a few small alterations that I thought were forgivable, this movie was a giant turd sandwich. The worst part to me was it didn’t even bother to accurately follow the story from the first Payne, which could have EASILY been a great movie given the right director/writer combo to put it up. Instead, as usual, some shitstain has to “make the story his own” by changing things around. Either that or they didn’t think that the American movie audience would be able to follow the original plots.

Something else that made me upset, you had the fucking cast to do it! Max, Mona, BB, Lupino, Bravura…the bitch head of Aesir! The movie looked right too! The only thing missing was story story story. Fuck it…it’s not worth anymore of my time.

Skip to 3:00 in to get to the good stuff. For whatever reason I find the concept of a gun that shoots shitty music and kills people fucking hilarious!

The always controversial Michael Moore, in what he calls a “Thank You” to his fans, has decided to release his new movie Slacker Uprising for download and viewing by all, via the interweb!

Trailer:

Click here to jump to the site to sign up and secure your copy!

L to the fuckin O to the muthafuckin L!

Gonzo

Definitely a must-see. Any takers?

Whilst on the road for work this week, I decided to torture myself a little by watching John Rambo, or First Blood: Part II, or just Rambo if you like. Don’t bother.

First thought: Sly is grotesque. He’s already publicly admitted to using steroids and HGH, even recommending that older, living action figures like himself turn to horse meds to make themselves titans. Someone should nudge him and tell him he’s starting to look like Jabba the Hut.

Before (circa Rambo III) & After (now)

C’mon right? How does he not start to wonder if he made the right decision when he has to have his t-shirt’s tailored to have a 44″ collar? When he talks it looks like he’s got a mouth full of peanut butter!

Back to the movie, 3% decent, 97% dogshit. While I’m all about gruesome deaths, this movie was just comical. They had to have used Bryan Brown and Brian Dennehy to do the gore effects, as every single one jumped off the screen as obvious CG. The fucks didn’t even try to blend the CG into the scene to make it look realistic, making any CG look more like cell-shaded art ala Roger Rabbit.

The story was silly, some righteous missionaries try to teach the Burmese the missionary position and end up getting captured, having already been warned by Rambo (who’s still wallowing in Thailand, fishing for the locals) not to bother in Burma. Rambo leaps to action and kills everyone. Yawn.

The 3% good came in when they actually tried to tie into the magic of the first movie. One of the missionistas actually manages to get more than just a moan and a stare from Rambo with some questions, and tries to talk him into going home to AZ, USA, to visit his family finally (do they still think he’s in Nam?). Tacked onto the end, he’s actually done it and returned to America. Wearing the same giddup and carrying the same duffel from when Dennehy started the whole shit off with him in the 80′s. Walking Bruce Bixby-style to his home. Too bad they didn’t expand this 3% to offset the shit that made up the rest of the movie.

So,
Magic John Stone for Rambo:

For those not in the know, Oliver Stone is currently making a biopic about George Walker Bush, our current Commander-in-Chief, and 43rd President of the United States of America.

I can’t wait for this fucking movie to be released! Josh Brolin, playing the title lead, TOTALLY looks the part. I’ll post some pics below as well as the official movie poster which was released today! You can also check out the IMDB page here for a cast listing.

Movie Poster:

Pics:

yay!

Anyone who has ever seen Lost Highway already knows David Lynch has a pretty wack-a-doo mind. As such, the video below should come as no surprise.

The reason you fine and upstanding people get to see it here today is because I find it simultaneously awesome and disturbing, and in my world that makes it newsworthy.

This is the start of something special.

Cyberdyne

Skynet

Although Skynet needs to get it’s act together in order to convince us that it is in fact a truly self-aware computer entity, instead of a world parcel delivery company, my guess is that CyberDyne picks up the Skynet domain name once the company folds in a few years due to stiff competition with UPS, DHL, and Fedex and assumes the “taking us over” schitck we all know, love, and expect. We’ve got time.

UPDATE

Christian Bale is set to star as John Connor in a new series of Terminator flims

yeah

Okay this is some seriously sick shit here. Apparently Tom Cruise opened a website completely ode to himself today! It’s literally a bunch of shit flash animations and pictures showcasing the films he’s starred in and the “achievements” he’s made in his life! Not a single mention of Scien”crazy”ology or even his wife or daughter! It’s a 100% about him!

Okay who on this planet seriously doesn’t know who the fuck Tom Cruise is? You’d have to live in a 3rd world country with no access to virtually anything for you entire life! And if that is you, then you don’t give a shit about Tom Cruise anyway! And if you do live in the “developed” world then you know who the fuck he is already so this site serves ZERO capacity in that regard!

When it comes right down to it, this site is nothing more that a serious ego stroke for this punter!! Anyone who thought this guy wasn’t LONG off the reservation already should be thoroughly convinced now!

Tomcruise.com