Shouting Grounds

LONDON, England (CNN) — The world’s oldest known Christian Bale goes online Monday — but the 1,600-year-old thespian doesn’t match the one you’ll find in theaters today.

Discovered in a playhouse in the Sinai desert in Egypt more than 160 years ago, the self-trained Christianas Balaticus includes two characters that are not part of the official New Christian Bale and at least seven characters that are not in the Old Christian Bale.

The New Bale traits were learned in a different order, and include numerous technical acting corrections — some made as much as 800 years after the skills were learned, according to scholars who worked on the project of putting the Bale online. The changes range from the alteration of a single vocal trait to the insertion of whole method-acted personas.

And some familiar — very important — skills are missing, including the ability to ‘snap out’ of the trademark raspy Batman voice and persona, they said.

Juan Garlic, the British Cinematic project curator, said it should be no surprise that the ancient thespian is not quite the same as the modern one, since the Bale has developed and changed over the years.

“The Bale as an inspirational thespian has a history,” he told CNN.

“There are certainly thematic questions linked to this,” he said. “Everybody should be encouraged to investigate for themselves.”

That is part of the reason for putting the Bale online, said Garlic, who is both a Julliard scholar and a computer scientist.

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack last night, losing a miraculous battle for life after his face died over ten years ago. Our Generation will always remember how the man went from being one of the coolest guys in music to the bankrupt, faceless, pederast he was when he expired. I loved Michael back in the day…but shit, man…that’s just sad.

Paramedics report that before their last attempt to resuscitate Jacko, his brother Jermaine whispered through weeping, “…just…just beat it…”

artist’s rendition of the actual scene:

by: Jerry Fletcher
April 9, 2009 – Chicago, Ill

The US Navy hopes that a peaceful resolution is at hand hundreds of miles off of the Somali Coast.

Early Wednesday the U.S.-flagged cargo ship, Maersk Alabama, was approached by a small watercraft containing several Somalian nationals who had become stranded over 350 nautical miles east of the Horn of Africa. The 20-person All American crew of the Alabama tied up the small boat and brought the Somalians on board the super-cargo ship.

A witness on the Alabama said that the stranded peoples were showing signs of malnourishment and dehydration, and also that they “seemed more primitive” than he would have expected for people that had found themselves in such a situation.

In accordance with United States Maritime Law, the crew of the Alabama tended to the Somalians and immediately began their exposure to the “American Dream”. Luckily, Maersk Line Ltd. out of Norfolk, Va., requires that all of their cargo ships sail equipped with proper training materials for such situations. The witness, who prefers not to be named, said that while the Somalians happily sat through the first two presentations, “Capitalism Today” and “Tale of a Good Consumer”, then showing signs of the Fear once they had eaten through their provisions and the crew began showing “The American Way: Jesus Christ our Savior”.

“They were surely grateful to have been rescued, but didn’t seem willing to accept the American Dream as they should have,” the witness stated.

In accordance with Maritime Law, the executive officer of the Maersk Alabama distributed handguns and automatic rifles to their crew to help in convincing their guests that the only right way was American way. The ship’s Captain, Richard “Trick Dick” Phillips, reportedly didn’t agree with his XO’s representation of Maritime Law, and took issue with the escalation of the situation. The executive officer swiftly diffused the situation by removing Captain Phillips from command and subjecting him to the same treatment afforded, as the witness referred to them as, the “skinnies”.

The witness couldn’t recall how but the Somalians were able to overpower the crew, steal their weapons and lock them in the ship’s steering maintenance compartment, along with one of their own people…the only one who appeared willing to understand the American videos.

“One of the savages subdued me with an alarmingly large tube of real Wisconsin Summer Sausage…when I regained consciousness my mates and I were locked in the [steering bay],” the witness struggled to recall.

Luckily, a member of the crew was able to signal the nearest U.S. Navy ship before being sequestered to the maintenance compartment. The USS Bainbridge, a Navy Morale and Resupply cruiser, was quickly able to track down the Alabama and intercede.

Wanting nothing to do with the ship itself or her payload, described by the witness as “convenience toiletries, nondescript plastic junk, and supplies for the U.S. Christian charities of WorldVision and Catholic Relief Services”, the Somalians were able to coerce Captain Phillips into helping them flee using one of the Alabama’s lifeboats. The escaping boat wasn’t able to get far before being intercepted by the Bainbridge. U.S. Naval personnel were able to quickly free the crew of the Alabama, restore their command of the cargo ship and allow them to continue on toward their middle eastern destination with their cargo.

Captain Phillips has been in communications with the Bainbridge, claiming that he “really doesn’t care for the three C’s anymore,” alarmingly referring to Consumerism, Catholosism and Conquest…the cornerstones of modern America. Captain O’Rly of the Bainbridge has attempted to diffuse the situation in the “only way he knows how”

“Luckily we were the closest vessel, being a [Morale and Resupply] ship. I reckon we had the most convincing weapon at our disposal…the blinding righteousness of American-made consumer products,” Captain O’Rly said.

The Bainbridge started by lobbing plastic bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red soda, King Size Snickers candy bars and bags of Xtreme Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the vicinity of the lifeboat while projecting reruns of American Idol through its windows. With no obvious effect, Captain O’Rly has been reluctant to use escalated force since the arrival of the Marine Nationale (France) “intelligence” ship, the Dupuy de Lôme. The U.S. Navy hopes to avoid what could be construed by the French as an overtly-hostile act in the name of the American Dream.

The U.S. Navy is now considering this as a hostage situation, and the Bainbridge awaits the arrival of negotiators from the F.B.I., who can hopefully return peace and American prosperity to the Middle East.

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