Shouting Grounds

Whilst on the road for work this week, I decided to torture myself a little by watching John Rambo, or First Blood: Part II, or just Rambo if you like. Don’t bother.

First thought: Sly is grotesque. He’s already publicly admitted to using steroids and HGH, even recommending that older, living action figures like himself turn to horse meds to make themselves titans. Someone should nudge him and tell him he’s starting to look like Jabba the Hut.

Before (circa Rambo III) & After (now)

C’mon right? How does he not start to wonder if he made the right decision when he has to have his t-shirt’s tailored to have a 44″ collar? When he talks it looks like he’s got a mouth full of peanut butter!

Back to the movie, 3% decent, 97% dogshit. While I’m all about gruesome deaths, this movie was just comical. They had to have used Bryan Brown and Brian Dennehy to do the gore effects, as every single one jumped off the screen as obvious CG. The fucks didn’t even try to blend the CG into the scene to make it look realistic, making any CG look more like cell-shaded art ala Roger Rabbit.

The story was silly, some righteous missionaries try to teach the Burmese the missionary position and end up getting captured, having already been warned by Rambo (who’s still wallowing in Thailand, fishing for the locals) not to bother in Burma. Rambo leaps to action and kills everyone. Yawn.

The 3% good came in when they actually tried to tie into the magic of the first movie. One of the missionistas actually manages to get more than just a moan and a stare from Rambo with some questions, and tries to talk him into going home to AZ, USA, to visit his family finally (do they still think he’s in Nam?). Tacked onto the end, he’s actually done it and returned to America. Wearing the same giddup and carrying the same duffel from when Dennehy started the whole shit off with him in the 80′s. Walking Bruce Bixby-style to his home. Too bad they didn’t expand this 3% to offset the shit that made up the rest of the movie.

So,
Magic John Stone for Rambo:

This entry was posted on Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 7:52 am and is filed under Film review, Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.