**spoiler warning**
Right now you’re saying, “Holy Shit, MJS…after listening to the Thousand Cuts podcasts, we all know how you felt about A History of Violence, so why the fuck would you subject yourself to another David Cronenberg movie starring Viggo?” By now, you should know that I’m your goddamn guardian angel, throwing myself in front of bad movies so that you don’t get blind sided (see: Jumper). That being said, I present to you: Eastern Promises starring VIGGO! and Naomi Watts.
The first two minutes grabbed me straight-thefuck-away, with a brutally awesome throat-cut barbershop-quartet style! Aside from batshit-crazy sex scenes, David Cronenberg’s known for his brutally realistic killing scenes.
The mood was then quickly set in quite the opposite direction, since I’m nearly certain that the house that Naomi Watts lives in with her parents is the same one that Viggo ratchet-fucked Maria Bello up the stairs in in History of Violence. Ick.
Then my mood turned upward as Viggo looks like a total badass mobster with a Ditka-do and his running buddy is none other than the Night Fox! This is good. Not only did Viggo decide sport the Iron Mike, but he’s got a sweet Crazy Ivan accent. The Night Fox, in comparison, wears a fugly combover only a young Trump would love. I suppose that it’s visual contrast like this makes Cronenburg a critically acclaimed director. Ain’t the movie business grand?
Fifteen minutes in and Viggo and the Night Fox have already traded ass-swats twice…if they’re homosexuals it’d be an odd twist for their type of character. Seconds later, Viggo seems smitten on Naomi Watts. Maybe a dutch door? Seconds later still, they’re drinking and fucking around with 13 year old russian whores…and the Night Fox in an angry drunken rage insists that Viggo bang one to prove he’s not a queer. wtf?
The thrust of the story FINALLY presents itself about 30 minutes in. At the beginning, a pregnant woman died while giving birth, and Naomi Watts happened to be the midwife. In taking care of the baby, she discovered a diary on the woman and asked her Uncle and also a local man to translate it. The local guy happens to be the town mafioso…the Night Fox’s dad and Viggo’s boss. The diary recounts plenty of bad things about the Mob boss, i.e. raping and beating the girl. Add to the story that the girl was 14 and Mob Boss is the daddy, and you’ve got a big problem for the ‘family’. So now, everyone’s in a pickle…but I’m still waiting for Viggo to rip someone’s arms off and eat the flesh from them like drumsticks.
I would report that this movie feels pretty authenic…nothing has been over the top or overly hollywoodized, there’s been alot of actual Ruskie-speak sprinkled in with the English. It makes for a nice departure from some of the other shit I’ve recently watched.
The plot thickens quickly, and soon Viggo is jumped by Chechyan thugs while he’s butt naked in a bath house. The scene would kick total ass if his junk wasn’t flailing around in the breeze the whole time. But he does kick both of their asses, gouging one guy’s eye out with a knife. Over all a great scene that fits the movie but satisfies that action-jones.
The movie ends slightly predictably but good nonetheless. I’m presently surprised by the great acting, good story and great direction. Recommended viewing…don’t be put off by the history of this director/actor combo. This performance confirms to me that Viggo’s really turning into a great actor.
February 25th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Glad to see this movie wasn’t too bad, though I could have down without a bath house fight scene. What’s with Russians and fighting in bath houses?
First there’s Red Heat, and now this movie.
…well I guess two movies isn’t that much of a pattern, but how many other nations are portrayed in bathhouse fight scenes?
…I guess there was some movie I remember were someone has to fight a fat japanese mobster in a bathhouse. The name of the movie escapes me, black rain, maybe?
…either way, for fuck’s sake, cut the bathhouse tussling hollywood! Nobody wants to see that shit!!